The Dream I Could Not Carry Awake
by winter156
Summary: Bottled up issues and emotions lead to an explosive outburst from the usually calm and collected information broker and her somewhat oblivious Commander.


A/N: I wanted to delve into one of the possible consequences of Liara and Shepard never really dealing with an important issue. There is a lot room for interpretation on how things were smoothed over between Shepard and Liara following LotSB. This is one my brain insisted I write down. Also, I haven't read the comics, so my depiction of Liara acquiring Shepard's body is not based at all on the literature (forgive the glaring discrepancies).

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**The Dream I Could Not Carry Awake**

Shepard evaded a flurry of blows, sidestepping her larger opponent and letting his own momentum put him off balance. Spinning on her heel and snapping her fist in a straight jab, she smiled as she landed the punch squarely on his face, inordinately pleased at the blood flowing freely from his injured nose.

"First blood," Shepard jibed the man playfully, giving him a moment to recover. She noted the elevator doors open, ushering several bodies into the shuttle bay. She ignored the procession until she noticed a flash of blue. What really caught her attention was the pent up frustration and slight anger she could feel coming from Liara. Her eyes veered away from her opponent trying to find the asari's.

A fist smacked into her jaw snapping her head sharply to the side. She stumbled back, her vision clouded. Instinctively, her hand shot out to deflect the next blow. Already on the defensive and stunned from the force of the blows, Shepard back peddled trying to keep her feet under her and not give more ground than she already had. She needed to change her tactics, and regain the upper hand, or she was quickly going to lose the fight.

Changing the direction of her momentum, she stepped into her opponent allowing another blow to hit her face but catching his beefy arm, opening his midsection for several sharp, hard jabs she landed with pinpoint precision to his solar plexus. Smirking at the sound of air whooshing out of her opponent's lungs, Shepard continued through her motion, shifting her hips to lift him, pulling the arm she had locked in her hands, while simultaneously bending her back to allow his body to go around her own and crash onto the floor with a loud thud.

Quickly taking advantage of her superior position, and her stunned opponent, Shepard put a booted foot to the man's throat squeezing just enough to be on the wrong side of uncomfortable. Wiping the blood dribbling from her nose and mouth on the back of her sleeve, she allowed a victorious smirk to dominate her face.

"Wanted to make me prettier, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked as she removed her foot from his throat and stretched her arm down to help the bulky man up.

"Couldn't make you prettier if I tried, Lola," Vega huffed, still trying to get enough air into his lungs, as he stood; not at all put off that Shepard had bested him again. Both turned to the crew that had come down to see what all the ruckus was about (EDI felt the need to inform the crew of an altercation down in the shuttle bay).

"Trying out the turian style of relieving stress before an important mission, Shepard," Garrus remarked dryly, eyes scanning the damage each human had taken and inflicted.

"Lieutenant Vega here," the Commander motioned to the soldier beside her, but her eyes tried (unsuccessfully) to catch Liara's as she keenly felt the frustration coming off the other woman, "wanted another dance lesson."

"Is this a private party?" Liara sauntered in front of them, eyes finally connecting directly with Shepard's. The asari's feelings became palpable to Shepard. The Commander restrained herself from stepping back at the anger she could feel directed at her. Her mind racing to find what she could have possibly done in the short time since they had been reunited to garner such a reaction, Shepard scrunched her face in confusion at the obvious juxtaposition of Liara's calm outward manner and her tumultuous emotions (which seemed to be getting worse by the second), "Or can anyone join in?"

Vega let a lecherous smile light his face, "I'd love to see you two ladies _dance_."

"Uh," Shepard was unsure what, exactly, was happening. She could feel the asari's upset, but she had no idea where it was coming from. And, that Liara wanted to spar instead of talk was most puzzling to Shepard. "Sure," she conceded noting the archeologist already in a fighting stance.

The Commander could see her crew gathering in a loose circle around them. "Okay," Shepard expelled on a long breath, brow furrowed, head unconsciously shaking in bewilderment. Shifting her feet, the human faced her less-than-happy lover.

They circled one another, looking for an opening. Shepard feinted a few punches, trying to gauge how serious Liara was. The powerful blows the asari landed to her midsection quickly clued her in to the fact that Liara wanted a no-holds-barred fight.

Dropping onto her hands to avoid a high kick the asari aimed at her head, the human countered by aiming a kick to Liara's abdomen. Pulling the force of the kick at the last moment, Shepard only pushed the asari back a few inches.

_Pulling your punches, Commander?_ Shepard heard the mocking voice bounce around in her head as she tried to sweep Liara's feet from under her. The asari jumped and used her biotics to propel her forward, crashing into Shepard. The soldier hit the ground hard; air rushing out of her lungs.

Liara moved to rise but Shepard locked her legs around the asari's trim waist. Flipping them over, knees opening, she straddled the struggling woman. A stray fist hit the Commander's face, causing blood to flow fresh from her nose. Growling, the pain piquing her anger, Shepard grabbed each blue wrist roughly with her hands and effectively pinned the asari to the ground.

Drops of blood landed on Liara's chest as Shepard fixed her with a glare. _What the hell are we fighting about? What did I do to piss you off so much? _Watching the droplets of blood splatter on her clothing and hearing the language and tone which Shepard so rarely used, Liara's eyes flashed in momentary regret.

The regret, however, was quickly overshadowed by her simmering anger and frustration. She unsuccessfully tried to buck Shepard off (much to the pleasure of the human males witnessing their impromptu sparring session). The Commander had physical strength, but the scientist had biotic power. Shepard's eyes widened as Liara lifted them several feet into the air. Quickly flipping herself on top, the scientist let gravity take its course.

"Shit," Shepard whispered to herself a moment before she smacked back onto the _very_ hard floor. Back aching with pain and lungs aching for oxygen, Shepard gave herself a moment to regroup as Liara gracefully lowered herself to the ground, blue biotics vibrating the very air in the shuttle bay.

Rolling over and rising to her hands and knees, Shepard turned her head to see the almost sensual way Liara stalked toward her. _God, even when she's angry__,__ she's beautiful, _Shepard could not help thinking even though her temper was near boiling. Looking around at her team, who had varied looks of interest on their faces, the Commander ground her teeth together attempting to calm down.

Standing, she lowered her hands and stood still as the asari closed the distance between them.

A predatory smile spread across the asari's face, _Are you surrendering, Commander Shepard?_

Shepard did not struggle as Liara biotically pulled her the last few feet between them. Face set in determination, Shepard regarding Liara steadily, _I will not fight you. We can discuss whatever is bothering you in our quarters, but I won't fight you._

Liara's smile faltered. For a brief moment, Shepard felt something deeper from her lover than frustration and anger. The soldier felt a flash of crippling pain that was gone before she could process it. Her mind boomed with a question she was not expecting, _What if I do not desire to discuss this, Shepard?_

_Then, you can hit me until you feel better, _Shepard replied after a moment, still trapped in the stasis field Liara had erected around her.

Again, a flash of pain seared Shepard's consciousness but was gone before she knew what hit her. Stumbling a step as Liara released her, the Commander tried to sort the emotion coming from Liara and her own emotion. Worry began to gnaw at her as she trailed the asari. Something was most definitely not right.

The Commander boarded the elevator behind the still tense archeologist, not sparing a backward glance to her crew who stared at the two women at a complete loss as to what they had all just witnessed.

The elevator ride was made in complete silence.

Liara stopped on the third floor, silencing any objection Shepard wanted to voice by simply walking out of the elevator. Releasing a long suffering sigh, and swallowing all the snide remarks that came to her mind, Shepard followed the asari to her office.

Door closing silently behind her, Shepard turned to lock it. Taking a deep breath, she steadied her nerves and curbed her desire to simply snap for being attacked without provocation. Turning back, she silently watched the information broker stare sightlessly at the monitors that dominated an entire wall of her makeshift office.

The Commander's eyes studied the asari like she would any unknown situation, she took in all the details and tried to piece what was going on with the evidence she had at her disposal. Her eyes took in the grim countenance, the uncharacteristic behavior, the tense set of shoulders, the rigid back, and the unchecked wave of emotion flowing from Liara. The asari looked like anything would make her snap and unravel. She looked liked the slightest touch would break her.

"Liara," Shepard's voice was gentle, "what is going on?"

"What if I don't wish to discuss this matter?" the asari asked indifferently, still facing the monitors.

"We need talk about this, so we can fix it," the human retorted voice tight, reigned, as she tried to keep her exasperation in check.

"Why?" Liara asked, turning haunted blue eyes to the soldier. Shepard looked at her curiously, unsure what she was being asked, before a barrage of images hit her. Images of the Hell she had lived through the last three years: Saren, Sovereign, Virmire, Cerberus, the Collectors, the Reapers, the Grim Reaper, the Alliance.

At a loss for how to explain why she fought, even against the betrayal and disbelief of others, Shepard fell to a tactic that had previously served her well. "I will not go gentle into that good night," Shepard quoted poetry in a desire to get her point across. She fought because it was not in her nature to submit to tyrannical, ruthless rule. She fought because it was her nature to persevere, despite the odds. She fought to preserve a future for the people she loved.

"Poetry would be better suited for arguing with Ashley," the asari retorted almost snidely, her bad mood bypassing any filter to the sensitivity of the woman before her.

"God," Shepard exploded, hands running through her hair, her mood quickly matching her lover's, "what crawled up your ass?" She almost immediately regretted the outburst; both of them getting angry and into a yelling match was not going to solve anything. Before she could apologize, she looked up and noticed obsidian eyes regarding her evenly, burning in their intensity. The Commander swallowed involuntarily.

"Why," Liara spoke, her volume louder than Shepard had ever heard it, blue hands emphasizing every word, "are you always taking unnecessary risks? Why are you the one that must always be at the forefront? Why are you the one that always has the most to lose in every situation? Why are you the one who is always putting your life on the line?"

"Because I must," Shepard shouted her hand slamming down on the console in front of her sending a resounding smack across the room, "I will not just lie down and die, Liara!"

"I'm not asking you to, Shepard," Liara shouted back, her biotics flaring in agitation.

Feeling brave and trusting that no matter how mad Liara was she would never really hurt her, Shepard cut the distance between them in three short strides. Index finger poking Liara in the chest emphasizing every word she spoke, "What are you asking then?" Steely eyes held black, flashing in challenge.

A biotic pulse pushed Shepard several inches back, but did little else but startle the Commander. She stared stunned as Liara paced back and forth like a caged animal, manic in her repetitive motion.

Until suddenly, with her back to the other woman, all the fight seemed to drain out of the archeologist. She deflated before Shepard's eyes. Her biotics faded, leaving the two figures bathed in the half light of the monitors. The whirr of the machinery was the only sound in the ensuing silence.

Worry punctured Shepard's brief anger. She had never seen Liara so out of control before. It was terrifying.

"Why do we fight so hard against impossible odds?" The asari posed an unanswerable question in a voice so bereft of hope it made Shepard ache. "Our chances of being the victors left standing at the end of this war are so minimal, yet we fight and try to overcome an insurmountable enemy. Why, Shepard? What are we fighting for?"

The human's mouth moved, but no words came out. How could she answer that question in a way to inspire hope? Liara was her hope, and she was wavering, what hope did that leave Shepard? Too many questions and not enough answers.

Doing the only thing she could think of, offering the only support she could, the Commander wrapped strong arms around the asari. She lent her strength. "You're scared for your own mortality, aren't you?" Shepard asked her voice soft.

"No, Shepard," the asari shook her head, tears she was loathe to cry streaking down her blue cheeks despite her best efforts to keep them at bay. She fiercely hugged the woman in her arms, wishing to never let her go; wishing to protect her from a universe set on taking her. "I am scared for your mortality, not my own," she whispered brokenly into the human's ear, her hands clutching desperately at the material of Shepard's clothes.

"Liara," Shepard uttered, tears stinging her own eyes as she returned the embrace with equal fervor, hoping to assuage some of the despair the asari was swimming in. She opened her mouth to say more but she was unable to find words to soothe the ache she felt from the woman she loved. They both just held on to one another.

"I don't think I'm strong enough to lose you again," the asari spoke into the crook of the human's neck. Her tears splashed on the exposed skin above the shirt Shepard wore.

The soldier pulled back slightly, just enough so that they were face to face and able to look one another in the eye. Shepard kept one arm around Liara while she lifted one hand to cradle the asari's face. "I will always come back to you, Liara," she gently kissed the archeologists forehead, "always."

Trying to convey everything she felt for the woman in her gaze, Shepard lost herself in the dark depths of Liara's eyes. _What is hurting you so deeply?_ Shepard probed, feeling the sliver of pain lacing Liara's entire being.

The asari swallowed and lowered her head to Shepard's chest. She listened to the strong, even tempo that was full of life. Lifting her head, she captured Shepard's lips with her own, kissing the Commander thoroughly but gently (cognizant of the human's injured face). Blue hands started tugging at clothing as the asari walked them back to the bed on the far side of the room.

Pullinig back from the heated kiss, her breathing uneven, Shepard shook her head, "Liara, what…?"

"I need you," Liara spoke with urgency overriding the human's question, before kissing her again.

Never really able to deny her lover, Shepard nodded her assent.

The Commander was naked and spread on the bed in under a minute; her lovely lover sliding her equally naked blue body over hers. The melding happened so quickly Shepard felt something akin to mental whiplash. Liara was frantic in their coupling. There was no foreplay, no build up. It was all a frenzied coupling. Fingers slid into Shepard with no preamble and Liara set a maddening pace that would guarantee a quick release.

Heart pounding in her chest, breath ragged and uneven, Shepard clung to Liara's back as she felt the asari inside her physically and mentally. Liara drank in Shepard's every reaction like a drowning man gasping for air: needy, hungrily, as if she would never get to feel or touch her lover again. The asari pushed harder and faster, almost at the precipice. Blue palm grinding into the bundle of nerves as blue fingers imbedded themselves deeply into velvety heat pushed them over. Both women arched into each other, mouths opened in silent exclamation of release.

Liara collapsed on top of Shepard.

"Want to tell me what that was all about?" Shepard queried, worry and amusement coloring her tone. She felt Liara begin to pull away. "Hey," she kissed the crests atop the asari's head, "whatever it is, it will be easier to carry if you share it with me. Trust me to help you bear it."

"Okay," Liara took in a shuddering breath. On her soft exhale, she opened a memory that she knew would always haunt her.

Shepard felt a rush like when Joker engaged the ships FTL drive and the slight vertigo she always felt when they first hit the mass relays. Images blurred in her mind as she sped to a specific place. The Commander did not know where exactly she would end up but she trusted Liara implicitly. Coming to an abrupt halt, Shepard waited to witness what was bothering Liara so much. The memory unfolded before her.

_The first thing Shepard noticed was Liara (crouched in the shadows, waiting for something). The Commander squinted through the darkness to get a better look at the asari. There was something different about her. The blue face moved into the light and Shepard saw it. This woman had cold, dead eyes, she was gaunt, and looked like she had not slept in a long while. And, Shepard literally felt the empty place she had in the middle of her chest. The only thing driving the asari was vengeance and a spark of hope; there was nothing else. She seemed bereft of all emotion._

_Gasping at the ache echoed in her own chest, Shepard closed her eyes in an attempt to look away from this broken Liara. _

_When she opened her eyes again, Shepard was aboard a ship that looked out over a familiar landscape. Alchera. The soldier recognized the planet immediately. Turning at the sound of gunfire, Shepard witnessed Liara decimate the Shadow Broker's forces without mercy. The asari flowed like a dancer on the battlefield. Her deadly accuracy dropping soldiers with a single bullet between the eyes. Her biotics tearing opponents limb from limb. And the asari's emotional radar did not blip once. She lifted several agents at once with a singularity, which she then exploded with a warp and she did not even blink as pieces of the agents painted the hull of the ship red. _

_Shepard followed the deadly asari through to the heart of the ship witnessing several encounters where Liara dispatched her opponents with ruthless ease. Feron met the asari at the entrance of what looked to be the room they were searching for._

"_Are you ready?" the drell asked. "Once we breach this room, the Shadow Broker will know we're here. We are unlikely to leave without heavy resistance."_

_Liara deftly reloaded her pistol, "Do it." Feron hacked to door and they rushed into an empty room save for what looked to be a coffin dominating the middle of the space. Liara opened the lid of the box and just stared into it. Where Shepard felt nothing from Liara moments before, now the Commander felt too much from the archeologist. It was like a switch had been hit. One second the asari was cold, emotionless and the next she was hypersensitive and overwhelmed by her emotions._

_Shepard walked around to look down into the box with Liara. She had to know what had caused such a change in Liara. The Commander gaped at what she saw. She was lying in the box. And, if looks were anything to go by, she was beyond dead. Her armor was gouged and ripped open. Limbs were missing, some dangling on by a thread of tissue. The only thing completely intact seemed to be her helmeted head. Her body looked like it burst on the inside upon impact. Her stomach turned, she had to look away. _

_Liara, tears coursing down her cheeks, very gently used her biotics to lift the body out of the cryogenic box. She ignored the blaring alarms going off in a ship wide alert that a breach had occurred._

_Feron touched her shoulder, "We must go, Liara. There are soldiers on their way."Afraid that physical touch would degrade the body further, the asari carried her dead lover in a stasis field. The Commander followed closely, the trail of dead bodies marking the duo's escape route making the pursuit easy. In the shuttle bay, a large contingent of soldiers trapped them._

_Feron took in the odds of escaping without a distraction, he frowned. Looking over at the asari, he made his decision, "I will distract them. You escape with the body."_

"_No, Feron," she shook her head emphatically. Shepard looked on, feeling Liara's desire to escape in direct opposition to her loyalty to the drell._

"_There's no other way," he looked at her, knowing she would do what she must__,__ before drawing the enemy's fire._

_Not daring to look back, her heart heavy at the price she was paying for Shepard's lifeless body, Liara boarded the closest shuttle and blasted her way off the ship. Landing the shuttle near her ship, the asari disabled all the electronic signals before exiting. She gently carried Shepard's body stopping just short of her ship as grief overwhelmed her._

_Shepard reached out to touch Liara, but her hand went right through the woman (it was just a memory). So__,__ the Commander continued to look on__,__ experiencing every moment with Liara. Aching, hurting, dying a little inside at everything the asari was showing her._

_Kneeling on the icy ground, Liara laid Shepard's body on the ground before very carefully removing the N7 helmet (which lay forgotten). Fresh tears stained the scientist's cheeks as she finally laid eyes on her lover's face. The Commander's face was not marked by outer trauma, but all the blood vessels in her head had exploded when the pressure and oxygen had leaked out of her suit. Eyes that Liara had fallen in love with were hollow sockets caked with frozen blood. Every orifice had bled before the temperature had frozen the blood in place: ears, mouth, nose all caked in frozen blood._

_Holding the broken body of the person she loved most in the entire universe, Liara wept bitter tears of loss. Swaying back and forth, deep sobs raked her body. Her soul ached with the weight of her grief._

_Shepard turned away, eyes closing in pain. Liara's grief felt worse than any physical pain she had ever experienced; it felt like a bleeding gash inside her chest that did not stop tearing her insides. Wrapping her arms around herself to lessen the pain, she felt a shift in the environment. The human opened her eyes to see the stark white walls of what she knew to be a laboratory. Liara stood next to a metal slab looking down at her dead body._

_Guilt gnawed at the archeologist incessantly. The asari felt like she was committing the most heinous betrayal. She was willingly handing Commander Shepard's body over to Cerberus. Liara knew how much Shepard detested Cerberus. But, the asari's hope refused to die. That spark that maybe, just maybe, Miranda Lawson could do the impossible would not allow her to leave. So, the asari was aboard a Cerberus vessel in the Terminus system handing the body of the woman she loved to an amoral, illegal, and xenophobic organization. _

_The door on the far side of the room soundlessly slid open. Shepard watched Miranda walk into the room, stopping on the other side of the table where Liara stood. The Commander's broken, battered, dead body lying between them._

"_I see your retrieval of the body was successful, Dr. T'Soni," Miranda gave the body a cursory inspection bringing her omni-tool up to make some brief notes, "It is in better condition than I expected."_

_Liara's whole body tensed imperceptibly. She could not believe how quickly Shepard had become an object to the woman she was entrusting her hope to. "You will be able to bring her back then?" Liara asked in what she hoped was a civil tone._

_Miranda cut her eyes up to the asari nodding in the affirmative, "I never fail." Pushing a button on her omni-tool, Miranda called orderlies to come pick up the body. Liara watched as they gathered the body and walked back out the way they had come. The asari felt a sense of loss so keen, it was like Shepard had just died all over again._

_The Commander rubbed her chest at the flare of pain that refused to vacate that area. She watched as Miranda faced the asari once more, "Our business is concluded. It's been a mutually beneficial partnership, Dr. T'Soni." Miranda nodded at Liara, "I assume you know your way off the ship."_

"_Ms. Lawson," Liara caught the woman's attention before she exited the room, "Shepard is valuable to me. Do not overstep your bounds. She is to remain as she was. No neural modifications." Miranda raised an eyebrow at the barely veiled order. "I am not someone you want to be at cross purposes with, Ms. Lawson."_

"_Is that a threat, Doctor?" Miranda asked amusement evident in her voice._

"_Take it as you will," a cold smile played across blue lips, "Henry Lawson may find a dossier of something he holds valuable and thought lost come across his desk if Shepard isn't returned to me as she was." Liara's mind trembled at the thought of that very possibility. "Good day, Ms. Lawson," the asari did not spare Miranda a glance as she walked past the now tense Cerberus officer._

_Exiting the Cerberus vessel, Liara had never felt so lost and unsure in her whole life._

Shaking violently as Liara pulled her out of her memories, Shepard felt physically ill. The asari rocked the soldier back and forth, calming her. "I don't even have words, Liara," Shepard whispered brokenly, "I am so, so sorry." She repeated the apology over and over again to the archeologist.

Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Liara shushed Shepard, "It's okay now. You're back. You're here now." Looking down into the human's tear and (still) blood streaked face made Liara's heart clench painfully, "I'm sorry I hit you. I'm sorry I started that fight. You're the last person I want to fight with."

Shaking her head, Shepard kissed Liara softly, "I get it. Why haven't we talked about this before?"

"It was too painful," the asari sighed, "I didn't realize it was eating at me so much or I would have addressed it sooner. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you." She took the Commander face in her hands, gently rubbing away the tears and the blood.

"And the last thing I want to do is hurt you, Liara," Shepard said, fusing her lips to the asari's. Deepening the contact when Liara opened her mouth. _No more barriers, I want to feel all of you, see all of you. All your worries. All your fears. All your hopes. All of you._ No more than a moment after the thought, Shepard felt the subtle shift. The unlocking of hidden doors. She floated in a momentary calm, before the rush of emotion hit her square in the chest, touching her very soul. She gasped as she tried to take it all in.

Feeling her struggle, Liara began to pull back. _Don't. Stay with me_, Shepard urged wanting the connection despite its overwhelming nature. More so, the human wanted to share it. So, Shepard opened all of herself to the asari as well. All her frustration, fear, determination, and hope for the future.

Their whole being kissed: completely. Each merged with the other. Together, as one, soaring above the despair and fear of loss, to a realm where hope and peace resided entwined and inseparable. A place where infinity existed and nothing died. It was euphoric. It was liberating. It was transcendent. It felt like they were embracing the universe, embracing eternity; and that their embrace was reciprocated and multiplied.

And for the first time, each experienced release without physical, bodily stimulation. They shuddered against each other, pulsing but sated in a soul deep way that was beyond the ability of words to describe. Their minds slowly disentangled from the experience.

"I would die to save the galaxy," Shepard voiced after her mind regained it autonomy, tightening her arms around the archeologist, trying to be as close as possible.

Wrapping blue arms around slim shoulders, Liara pressed herself so close to Shepard that she could feel the human's strong, steady heartbeat keeping tempo with her own. _Let us hope that sacrifice isn't required to end this war._

The human nodded her head in agreement (she did not want to die). "But," Shepard swallowed, clearing the sudden dryness in her throat, "Liara, I would live for you." Pressing her forehead to Liara's, Shepard closed her eyes and made a promise she was not entirely sure she could keep, "Even if I have to defy death, I will live for you."

"And how many times will death be denied?" Blue lips lifting into a pained smile (that looked more like a grimace).

Shepard's eyes opened to regard blue. "At least once more, my love," she breathed softly into the space between them, "at least once more."

Foreheads and bodies pressed together, they lay awake for an interminable moment. They breathed each other in. They reveled in each other's presence for a moment.

An uncertain future awaited them. Responsibility and duty would pull them back to reality in due time. But for the briefest respite, they held each other; they had each other.

And that was enough.

_**Fin**_


End file.
